May 30, 2005
Eat your heart out.Shameless Snow has chosen to completely forget about our 1st year engagement anniversary. I'm so emotionally wrecked by his heartlessness. Let's hope the booze and otah at the party will make me feel better.
The last thing I need to hear at the party is his engagement with Fio.
xxx
Closest to God's eyes. Three mentions of God today. One is when Ah girl doodled a girl asking for help (presumably, from the lecture) and I told her God helps those who help themselves. Then I added, luckily I don't believe in God.
Then, the wrapping up of the two-days TEACCH workshop was a short video that talked about autistic children. Said something like, in the process of 'fixing' them, we forgot to see the honesty, the purity in their eyes. Eyes that are the closest on Earth to God's eyes.
The third is also from the same video. It went 'How to make God laugh?' The answer, 'Tell him your plans.'
xxx
A good recipientI am not destined to do massages for people. My fingers are too slender, too bony, and basically, aside from the days when I was in the school basketball team (and 'fingertip pumping' was an everyday warm up training), I have not strong fingers.
I used to give my parents massages when I was young. By standing on their back while they laid down on mats. All I needed to do was to walk on their backs, step on their shoulder blades and stand still on the joint areas. I had the perfect weight to do just that, they said.
Not anymore. I guess I'm too heavy. haha..
I haven't the technique to give massages too. At least, not with the hands. So, it does seem like it would be hard to get any service of that sort from me.
I'm really bad at it. Nevertheless, I'm a good recipient.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 21:37
May 29, 2005
Hands to HeavenI like hands cos hands give assurances. A little squeeze of the hand says, 'I'm with you.' I find holding hands one of the most honest and sincere ways of saying 'I care enough.'
I think it's not that I won't let you fall. Fall, we all must, at some time in our life. But, when you do, I will help hold you up. And when your butt is too heavy to stand up even with my help, I guess, the message is 'I won't let go'.
In my opinion, one of the most romantic things that people do is to hold hands tight especially in crowded situation. I hold my friends' hands when we have to get through a mass of smoke-smelly, towering ang moh men in clubs. It's saying 'let's not lose each other.'
I hold hands with people. To begin, I still hold hands with my Mum sometimes when we go out. At work, I hold hands with my students (erm, some for disciplinary reasons than anything... hee). I hold hands with people I feel comfortable enough with.
I used to hold hands with a friend. He was not my boyfriend, not in the love-sense. He held my hands because I was cold. Then, sometime after, he said to me, 'anytime you need a hand to hold, just call me. I'd hold them for you, anytime.' Strangely, I laughed. I asked, 'anytime?' He said, 'ya.. anytime'. Of course I didn't verify this semi-promise. Some things are better left just un-verified. The last time I smsed him, on his birthday, I didn't get a reply.
It's no big deal, yet a big deal at the same time. Holding hands. Especially with someone you are fond of. Someone who makes you smile rather effortlessly.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:42
Here goes...1. Finish reading the book I'm reading now
2. Finish reading at least 1 more book that has been on the to-read list since they've been bought.
3. Make tiramisu with Ah girl.
4. Do up my Pathlight photo album.
5. Meet Shaohao for dinner.
6. Watch some DVDs.
7. Fatten up, even though I know it's going to be hard.
8. Talk less, rest a lot, lot.
School Holiday is here.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:31
May 28, 2005
You can run, but you can't hide.I just got to know that someone I got to know only recently is suffering from mental illness. For the past 10 years. Untreated. He lost it when his brother, who he was apparently very close to, passed away due to an accident. He's basically schizo.
That kind of explains why the whole process of my family and I knowing him defies logic and practical sense. Only at that time, I could overlook it because I believed love can make people not choose to obey some practical sense.
I guess I have reasons to be worried and maybe even angry because of the lies he told, the trouble he caused and basically, the loss we incurred. However, I feel sympathy towards him too.
When reality is so harsh, and when it occurs at a time when one is not equipped to deal with it, what is our defense against reality? Denial? Escaping? Making sense of it? Changing it? Aggressiveness and violence? Towards others or ourselves?
Am I dreaming of a butterfly or is the butterfly in my dream dreaming of me?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:18
May 25, 2005
If I didn't have to wake up at 6am tomorrow...I think I'm more tired than I thought I am. I think I want (note: want, not need) a holiday to just rot more than I thought I wanted. I think I feel like stopping in this path more than I thought I would.
I think I have more work to do in school this week than I thought I have. And I'm already tapping on my reserve patience bank.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:05
May 24, 2005
Can you eat a koi?I'm rather suitably impressed with Ah-girl today, and definitely encouraged. For (at least) the 2nd time since our paths crossed, she made an absolutely valid point which was all logical reasoning. If that's not enough reason to 'Wow', it's really the speed and fluency she lashed out at. It's incredible, it's like... fireworks in Singapore - once rare and breathtaking, but now becoming more often but still impressive. Okay, I must say I'm not very good at analogy or metaphor or that sort. And she uses sarcasm with her kids! Ah girl? Sarcasm? She must be hanging out with the right company.
Her company, however, seems to be coughing quite badly today. Her company has gone on holiday, already, mentally. But, that's still no excuse.
xxx
A prolonged happy look How does one maintain a happy look? I don't look happy for a very long time, I guess that was what she meant.
It's kinda interesting how to maintain looking happy. Well, I guess, to begin with, you got to sleep enough.
Then, maybe appetite will get better... and then, will eat more... and then... Anyway, it's okay. I'm happy to let you have 3/5 of whatever we're having.
I don't prefer 'Mama' too.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:47
May 23, 2005
The Green Lantern and Static ShockTomorrow's the day of the class party. My students will be having their Super Power Party as a finale of this subject that I teach in class - Project Skills. And, their project, as a result of class voting, is a class party. So, I hope, they have learnt to think through how to organise a party, plan and prepare for a party. Actually, I think that's a bit too ambitious to hope for. I just hope they don't give me more stress than I already have tomorrow.
Strange that I've been dreaming about this party. Dreaming of all the things that could have gone wrong and did (in the dream). Bad time management, bad behaviour, forgot to buy ingredients, forgot to do this, forgot to give instructions... Man... I've never organised a more stressful party than this.
The menu has been kept as simple and as fuss-free as possible. I chose to employ the convenience of canned food, like sausages, tuna and fruit dessert than to cook. It's more manageable for the children to prepare. But, I'd still prepare pancakes (which is just 2 more steps than open packaging and eat). hehe... the point is, have fun! Why stress over food? Especially when there's enough stress over the many little hosts of the party.
I'm going to spend tonight preparing for this party and trying to convince myself it's going to be just fine, so that I won't dream of it tonight and screw my precious sleep up.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:48
May 21, 2005
Come home now to 2 dogs.I've a mini Schnauzer at home and a mini Pin at home. The latter we have been having for a few months; the former just got adopted by my sis, Jasmine, and her bf. But, decided to keep in our house, of course!
I'm trying to adjust to having TWO pups at home, coming home to them. And of course, guess who disciplines them at home?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:05
Peace. Faith. Duty.My IC says I'm a buddhist. I was, until about 5 years back. Now, when asked, I say I'm a part-time buddhist. From attending Sunday School at Phor Kar See, going to temple at least once every week, helping out at the temple a whole week preceeding Vesak, doing meditation and chanting, going vegetarian every twice a month to praying only when there's an occasion, only dropping by temple to send/pick up my mum... I've been connecting a lot less with my spiritual faith.
Nothing to do with whether my tertiary education has made me disenchanted. The Buddhism teachings that I was raised to acquaint with are already about disenchantment. Disenchantment from the worldly desires and the many worldly notions perpetuated through all sorts of vehicles. I knew about nothingness even before I had anything this world gave me.
I think, in some ways, my spiritual upbringing is the reason why I'm not caught up with materialism and found it easier to accept that things are usually not what they seem (for better or for worse). It also kept me occupied. While other teenagers were starting to go clubbing and dating and creating problems for their parents, I was quite happy tagging along to the temple with my mum and aunt. I had company there. I had a group of pretty good friends who are children of my mum's friends. At the age of 14, I was still playing Hide-and-seek at this really big carpark next to the temple, hiding in buses and behind the cars of other believers. At the age of 13, I made a girl cry because she was jealous I was getting more chummy with another friend of ours than with her. Hmm? Hahah.. I'm still good friends with this girl. She looks so much like me, everybody at the temple knows us as 'sisters'. And I call her parents 'Papa' and 'Mummy', vice versa. If you've been to my bedroom, you will see a photo of us at her brother's 21st birthday last year.
Come to think of it, it's true. My religion and basketball were the two things that kept me close to good company and close to my family during a time when it was typical to be rebellious. I still like being in the presense of big Buddha sculptures 'cos it makes me feel small and it makes any problems or confusions I have about life seem even smaller. I still like basketball 'cos I like the feel of catching a ball with my fingertips and throwing them into the basket to hear that 'Shoosh' sound - very familiar senses.
Anyway, without real effort, I've become a part-timer now. I'm going to temple later. To do ��� 濉� 浼� ��� 浠� 寮�. I like this a lot. Really. I like it when everyone is waiting quietly in the dark, for a light to be lit and then passed on. It gives a lot of inner peace. I haven't been doing it for 2 years, I think. It's time to reconnect with my spiritual faith.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:57
When in the middle of nowhereHow about this: The importance of a destination pales in comparison when the journey is undertaken with good company?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:51
May 20, 2005
I hear thunderWhy do they keep telling me this when they don't know anything about that, that I want?
Why do they tell me what to do just when I finished making my decision?
Why do they shake their heads in that slow, regretful manner when all I did was to say something that I was ready to support for the rest of my life?
Why do these people walk past me, acting as if they don't know me, when I can see the same pain in their eyes like mine?
Why do we all feel inconsistently with the way we think and act inconsistently with the way we feel and think?
Why make me believe when I already know you are not real?
Why is, so strange?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:26
May 18, 2005
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Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:16
May 17, 2005
Sarcasm is my hidden forte.Don't believe? Try to.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:52
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xxx
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Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:45
May 16, 2005
Twice upon a yearIt's a beautiful Monday. Wonder if it's so 'cos of the morning shower and the breezy weather or I'm home on a working day. Either way, there's no discounting the fact that I'm pretty much relaxed and in a happy mood. It helped that my nose is no longer runny and stuffy, my throat doesn't feel as raw and I don't feel as weak as I'm sure I would have if I'd taken all my medicine.
Was just thinking... if I'm not sick as I am, and not on sick leave, what would I be happy doing on this lovely Monday? Turns out I'd be happy studying. Perhaps reading some lecture notes somewhere, or going through some readings for the 4th time, trying to extract the main points out of a labyrinth of words (ending with -ism). Perhaps sitting by some benches lined along the campus, or by the Merlion at Esplanade, or at my favourite bridge in Singapore.
But because such is not the case, the reality orders me to take my medicine after my newly-consumed lunch and going to sleep (again) for awhile more. I'd try to read a bit on bed then. A compromise from the earlier picture. Nevertheless, one has to (try to) be contented with what one has.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:26
May 14, 2005
Occupational HazardFor the 2nd time in this year, and probably the 3rd of 4th time in my lifetime, I'm losing my voice, again. After what happened less than 3 months ago, I know better now. Hence, I've given myself the Shut-up order and am consuming plenty more fluids and abstaining from citrus fruits. Oh, and sleep more.
Truthfully, I'm already contemplating MC on Monday. One weekend doesn't placate the vocal cords very well, but a long weekend may help a bit. Except I'd have to prepare lesson plan to give to my partner to take over my class. And I shudder to think that she would have to take Discovery by herself (assuming 'support' doesn't come so readily). If I had to take Discovery by myself, with the full challenge posed by 12 kids, I guess what I'd do is to start giving out story books, sweets, drawing paper and whatever they fancy... so long as they stay in their seat and keep quiet. Now, don't pass any comments if you haven't any idea what some of my students are like.
My conscience (and empathy for my partner) might prick me enough to keep me away from home, and right into more use of my precious depleting voice.
If this happens every near-end of the term, something is quite wrong with how I'm using my vocals, isn't it? For now, I reserve my verbalising right. I'm going to sleep for awhile.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:16
May 10, 2005
Introducing... Peter Procedure, Smart Siti and Trouble Teri!Staff training today. Maths seminar. We've been undergoing this Maths seminar since last year. It's a long, long module.
Dr. Yeap has, on many occasions, introduced us to the 3 kinds of students that exist in the local education system. They are Peter Procedure (who makes up the bulk of the cohort), Smart Siti (the talent pool, under-taught within the system) and Trouble Teri (well, name says it all).
Today, he explained that the kind of students that has the most potential to be successful is Smart Siti. Smart Siti is the most enjoyable to teach because she can pick up almost anything that's been taught and she is capable of doing almost everything. However, in our system (until the change completes, at least), Smart Siti is short-changed. We are not teaching her enough. He quoted some findings that Singapore students are among the top 25% of academic abilities and capabilities worldwide. However, we never managed to have a nobel prize winner. That is because our system has failed to further nurture and teach the Smart Siti within the cohort. We left the teaching to chance. And in a country as small as Singapore, leaving things to chance would only generate the result of an egg.
So, what exactly are we neglecting to teach all the Smart Sitis in our pea-sized country with such big agenda? According to Dr. Yeap, 'Habits of mind'. That include flexibility in thinking, making sense of context, figuring out a situation... to sum it up in my own words, we neglect to teach thinking, perspective and perception.
We end up with a lot of Peter Procedures. Many scholars were lauded with first class honours but ended up being, at best, inane executives (the kind of bosses we tend to avoid but somehow, always end up with). Peter Procedure is good for doing, well, procedural work. Like? Camouflaging themselves alongside the conveyor belts in a factory until of course, the conveyor belts totally replace them. Because Peter Procedure memorises how to do things and does things in that rigid way because he knew no other ways (or 'my teacher neber teech mee'). If you change something in a problem or present a new situation, you can be sure he would be lost. Best part? Peter Procedure doesn't ask questions. There was never a need to ask 'cos where they studied, teachers already didn't have enough time to finish doing the practice SA papers from other top schools.
Oh. And then, we have Trouble Teri. Name says it all. Basically, our system tries to forget this group of people who not only can't ask smart questions, they can't answer procedural questions too.
So, what have we got now? Tools of the capitalist economy, puppets of the state.
But, according to Dr. Yeap, the syllabus is changing, for the better. The call is to teach all students. Teach Smart Siti habits of mind, teach Peter Procedure to start asking and questioning, teach Trouble Teri to progress to er, Peter Procedure?
I'm part of this. I'm teaching Maths. To a group of Pr 2 kids. At Pri 2, they don't have to know number sense yet. But, yes, number facts. My challenge is... how does teaching number facts not become a process of simply memorising, especially when strong memory power is a strength of my kids?
I'd write again if I can. One thing at a time. hee...
For my dear colleagues who fell asleep somewhere this afternoon, now you know what Dr. Yeap was talking about. *wink*
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:35
May 09, 2005
I've always preferred beerJust went to browse through the blogs of a few friends. It's been awhile.
I find it totally unacceptable that Mr Shameless is not keeping all his readers entertained regularly enough. If you are reading this, Mr Shameless Snow, get your act together! Utter disgrace!
This Fahrenheit 451 (forgot to mention Eugene told me about the book last Tues too.. he's reading it and I've the intention to borrow his copy somewhere in the June holidays...) mood in the realm of the golden wood... very inspiring. Inspiring to read many of the books listed there. Though ashamed to say, I'm still stuck on... well, look right. I'm reading 2 other books that I borrowed from the NLB, one chinese one. Hee... nothing that will make it to the list but nevertheless, a rather brainless read - all I can take at this moment at work. And haha, must admit I own 2 of the books listed in the 'to-burn' list. Whatever it is, I think there must be better uses for the pages, like... putting the fish bones of sardines...
sigh, actually, when I read blogs of Charan and Meisen, I tend to get a bit depressed. Not because they depress me. But, I think I'm not thinking enough, I've sort of stopped thinking deep about many things that happen around. There was a time when I must be giving more things more thoughts and forming more opinions, stronger opinions, probably to the point of criticism and sarcasm too. But, somehow, that has come to a standstill or at least, a slowing down. I used to tease some friends about their hindered capacity to think and form opinions once they are attached. Whatever else had happened to me?
Maybe I could write like that again if only I don't celebrate myself this much in my blog. haha...
Only, when you are that close to making changes and yet, not quite, talk can be cheaper than it already is.
Oh. No, I'm not attached. Please.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:48
May 08, 2005
It's possible, isn't even hard to imagine.I've got the kind of face that has attributed adjectives such as 'cool', 'sweet', 'demure', 'arrogant', 'cheeky', 'kind', 'thinking', 'intellectual, 'smart' amongst many others, to my personality.
Kay said I looked so cool even when I play basketball and shoot baskets. She said I make it look so effortless to score. What she meant was I look so indifferent. Oh ya, 'indifferent' - another adjective to add to the above.
Eugene said if he were to recall the first time he knew me in a CFM tutorial, 'mean' would be an entirely possible word to describe me. He can imagine me giving someone the mean and 'what am I doing wasting my time with you!' look. He did a save by saying that now that he knows me so much better, he's sure I don't give that kind of look to people. Well, yes and no. Some people still seek for that kind of 'attention' from me.
The person who possibly is used to me more than anyone, Wenn, said once that I've a kind of look that would take a few lives if looks could kill. Once, we went shopping when I was in an extremely pissed mood and the minute she saw me, even she felt she was tracking on thin ice.
I've an evil twin sister that's within me. But, why am I talking about this here and now is because I want to apologise on behalf of her. For all my curt replies, impatient attitude, and occasional looks that send any of you running for dear life, I apologise. Hehe...
I merely believe in making the most out of whatever my Mama gave me. That includes my bitter-sweet look.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:41
A clarificationThat piece about forgetting... 35th in the series, 3 days ago? It's dedicated to a dear friend better referred to in this blog as 'piss in a pod'.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:54
She is my Mama.She's sleeping on the sofa. On a cool, lovely, quiet (until I started running my mp3 collection) Sunday afternoon. Something she does almost every afternoon. Something she keeps saying she's doing too much of but yet, still doing it. Pretty much like how she proclaimed she's very full just now and the next thing I saw, she had a sesama green bean dough snack in hand. She said, 'No la, this one, I'm sharing with your Papa.' Yes, Mum, whatever you say.
She gave me logic, sensibility, the wisdom of contentment, the humility to pursue knowledge with, the tenacity to hold much of what life is and should be about, the good manners (er, if I'm not, it's really not her fault... I've a few ill-mannered friends... haha).
In my house, we don't celebrate Mother's Day. Because, ok, here comes the cliche part (shudders), every day is Mother's Day cos, ok, here comes the shameless part, we are such fine daughters*!
*You can choose not to agree with respect to both my sisters. (haha!)
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:38
May 06, 2005
Knight and Princess of the Square TableWe found out that Toast closes at 7pm on a weekday. So, no dinner there. It was either Burger King or Subway, and the latter will win because I hold 50% of the vote, and importantly, the knight was extremely easy-going.
Incomplete knowledge is a very dangerous thing. Resonant line from the principal's mouth that got into our conversation amid huge bites of Subway sandwich (do you call a half-foot long sandwich a 'sandwich'..). And then, he said knowing without thinking is very dangerous too. It's a near quote from Einstein, I think.
Somewhere in the conversation, he shared that he's afraid of death. He started to be afraid since once, he had this epiphany (wow, 1st time using this word! hee) that when we die, that's it! 'It' is nothing, no knowing, no feeling, no way, no nothing. The irony being, only death itself is not afraid of death. Hmm? Put it another way. Only the living is afraid of dying. But then, we went back to talking about what is there to be afraid of when you know that the minute you are gone, you actually don't know you are gone and it's like your computer crashed before you had a chance to do any save. And the next boot up will ask if you want to save your configurations before exiting the BIOS and what I'd do is, I'd just shake my head, breathe out a sigh and hit F10. Still, whatever you were doing would be gone, non-existent. You can almost see your CPU's smirk.
I think I'm getting too carried away. haha... Can't blame me. My com is screwed recently.
Death is so painless. And most of us are afraid of this state of painlessness. Weird?
We talked about what poetry is. Because he's teaching E.Lit at work. And he's just received some interesting pieces of poems that his students are entering a competition with. I would have liked to believe my JC life was half as interesting as his students'. I've never attempted any real poetry yet. But, it sounds like worth a try after learning what qualifies as poetry.
We share a passion, a passion for language. If not a passion, at least much respect and love. That's one of the reasons why it's typical that our conversations would usually entail something to do with langauge. This time, we basically talked about the difficulties of teaching a language and the joys of liking a language enough to want to teach it, in spite of the difficulties. If I'm not wrong, we started down this track cos we were discussing my career path in the next 5 years.
Career paths. He asked how is it possible to know when do personal goals and dreams end and societal expectations and pressure begin? Where is that line of compromise that they often talk about? Don't know.
He felt that it's so easy for a teacher to retro-evolve into a frog in the well, wrapped only in what he's been taught to teach, buried under hills of workbooks and mock test papers before the real ones come. He began to think what would mark a teacher's success. An event manager sees the fruit of his labour when the event turns out to be a great success. An architect sees the fruit of his labour when his architecture gains recognition. A researcher sees the fruit of his labour when a new drug is found to improve the well being or mortality rate of mankind. So, what is a teacher's fruit of labour? Less red ink in report cards? Or a half-hearted student rather than a disinterested one?
Teaching is not something you do for the short term perks... like school holidays (which is because we are not entitled to any leisure leave at all during school term and we do have to go back for training and preparation 1st and last week of school break), relatively high start-out pay (which is not so high when the economy picks up as a whole) and shorter working hours (far as I'm concerned, I usually work from 7am to 4pm so as to clear work, prepare for next day's lesson and occasional meeting with other team members).
For me, my success and satisfaction is in things like having the kind of rapport with my students and they coming to tell me how they feel (usually, it's 'angry', 'happy', 'sad', I work with kids with very simple, direct vocab hee), turning to me for answers or no-answers to their incessant questions (very persevering students no doubt), getting an unexpected answer to my mundane and sometimes rhetorical questions (nothing is too rhetorical in their world), getting a correct answer to a difficult question without any prompting, and well, jukebox-like singing ranging from Huang Pin Yuan to S.H.E. Oh, and of course, knowing that my students, through their own experience, know that I mean what I say, especially when it comes to making them be the last to go home when they don't behave. haha
It's always a fantastic pick-me-up to catch up with the knight. He said the same is for him. Ahh, already the ego feels better.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:50
May 05, 2005
Love & dating...35 dedicated to a dear friend...
This is about forgetting. Forgetting many, many things, eventually.
About the jokes we used to share, the things we used to enjoy doing, the food we used to crave for. About the time spent smiling into each other's face, the amazement at how we seem to be able to read each other's mind, the unceasing whining tales. It's more than the disappointments, the hurt, the pain, the abuse, the neglect and everything we once promised we would forget once it's blown over.
It's about forgetting you and what you once meant to me. Actually, it's not about forgetting you, because most of us still remember people we used to date, somehow, for better or for worse. But, yes, it's very much about forgetting what does it mean to have you as part of my life.
Do we forget the feeling of missing someone? Yes. Do we forget to forget? Yes. If you had to remember to forget, honestly, you are trying too hard.
Because, time didn't manage to heal us; time managed to go past us, throwing us more and more things to think about, more and more things to pre-occupy our thoughts with. Slowly, forgetting is like a self-cleanup system and remembering is actually the more tedious task.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:12
May 02, 2005
Nice change of hair partingI think there are 2 months - March and April - every year when I'm basically cursed and should abstain from men or at least, maintain minimal contact with them. Things ought look a bit better from this month on. Or so I think.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:25
I decided, here, it's about me. I'm too proud to give him a call. That's what I've been telling everyone. Erm, everyone who knows what happened. That, is actually, just 3 'everyone's.
Thinking back, I got to admit I might not quite know what exactly I'm trying to arrive at when I said what I said. I said it's better to be friends. I thought that would make things more clear cut and more open. Now, it seems like the former has been realised but not the latter. So, what exactly was I thinking about?
It's funny, isn't it? When you say something and then what happened as a result of what you said is not exactly what you expected to happen and then suddenly, you realise maybe there were a lot of things you didn't spell out clearly enough. Then again, maybe you did. Just that, why do you keep changing your mind? Except, actually it's not 'you'; it's 'I'.
He will probably read this. But, ahh, what the heck, here, it's about ME.
p.s. Me, who's trying to while away time, braindead but trying to keep my digestive fluid flowing. I would probably end up thinking 'why the hell did I blog about that?' tomorrow. haha...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:51
200g nearer to saving livesI had dinner at 9pm. Juan called for supper. She referred to it as a 'mobilisation' of our group of gerfrens. She got it done within 5 minutes. And she seemed very proud of it. You go, girl.
11pm, I was on my way to Jln Kayu for supper. I was supposed to be very full from dinner. 12 midnight, I was gobbling down a mushroom prata with Wenn and taking slow but satisfying sips of Teh. All the while, thinking 'shit, I hope I don't get indigestion later... else I can forget about sleeping tonight'.
That explains why I'm here. My experience is that I should never go to bed immediately (especially) after prata for supper. Somehow, my digestive system doesn't like to break down flour (and ghee) at night. So, I'm giving it more time to take its time now.
All the cheesecakes for tea time and milk before bedtime, I just gotten a kilo more. The target is the minimum requirement to 'give blood, save lives'. At this rate, and with Kay, who's always egging me on cheesecakes, I just might be able to break my own record soon.
Now, if only someone would tell me how to work on those flabs on the arms... tsk!
xxx
Dance real slow, embrace a waitThis time last year, I wrote something about embracing a wait. The wait turned out to be well, the final wait.
I miss Fat Frog. What I did last year that made heads turn at my (still) favourite cafe was... I cried. I cried quite inconsolably. I pleaded for Wenn to reach where I was as fast as she could. I couldn't bear the loneliness of it all. I cried and then I laughed. When the darling came, I shouted. I shouted, 'What the fuck!' and heads turned, and I shouted, 'Fuck him' and heads turned, not knowing what to do with an obviously very upset woman at the next table in the same cafe. And I continued crying. I threw myself at Wenn for a hug. She was very quiet all the while, offering me tissue. In the end, I laughed and I fucked it all and I was all right, quite all right.
In retrospect, I think that was one of the most 'attention-seeking' things I've done in my life thus far.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:31
May 01, 2005
Happy 2nd year!I sang KTV for almost 3 hours earlier this evening. At home, by myself. Shiok. There is this song by Fish Leong that puts me in a rather nostalgic mood...
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And then, there are a few songs that I so enjoyed recalling and singing.
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Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:51